Most of you reading this know me as the girl who nearly died, and nearly died again, and who spent over a decade nearly dying, in and out of hospital, not living at all, utterly intent on destroying herself as a result of an overwhelmingly lethiferous self-hatred.
Most of you reading this would not recognise me if you met me now. I hardly recognise myself, in so many ways. I mean I have a pretty hot tan to start with! A world away from the deathly-pale, blue-lipped, quivering girl you once knew.
I don't know where to start, or what I want to write. I don't even know why I have turned to my blog after so many months, after having deleted almost the whole thing, trying to destroy a part of me that was intent on destroying myself.
I have grasped many of my most intrinsic fears, uprooted them, lobbed them from the beach and drowned them in the very sea where I spent a great deal of my free time this summer.
You see, I have not spent the summer in Wales, stuck in the house or in hospital as was my dreary so-called 'life'. I actually got a job, a job in a foreign country, a job which I managed to hold down, and a job that led me to thrive beyond my imagination. I was in a country I love and met people who, little do they know, helped me emerge from my shell and eventually allowed me to be the Angharad that my illnesses prevented me from being. I worked hard for, and earned my wings to a certain freedom from the cage that I created for myself.
Angharad came to life.
All I ever wanted throughout the past turmoil was inner-peace. Just to be content and at peace, nothing more. And that is what I gained. There are no words to describe how magnificently wonderful this felt. Beyond ineffable.
By all means it was not all sunshine and roses. I still have a long, long way to go and I am not all miraculously better. That would be massively misleading of me to paint that deceptive picture. I still have some frighteningly dark days. Anorexia is still very much present, very much so, and yet, I have managed to have the time of my life, with it still there, dominant and pernicious. However, the old me would have been crushed to nothing at the slightest hurdle, but not any more, no sir-ee. If I had a bad day? Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going. I had a job to do, far more important than focusing and dwelling on being unwell.
I might write more about my summer. I might not. I am not so much into sharing every detail of my life on here any more, as my real friends and family are in my real life, supporting me every step of the way. Even writing this post feels a bit strange after such a long hiatus.
Most of you reading this know me as the sickly, painfully-shy girl with grey thunder clouds acting as a permanent crown above her head. Maybe if you are lucky, as a few have been yesterday and today, you will get to be introduced to the real girl with a new crown of positive sparkles ricocheting brightness and positivity. Unstoppable. On one great adventure.